,Kelly Gorsky is a licensed mental health counselor in New York State. She obtained her Applied Psychology degree from New York University in 2003.
Kelly began her ventures in this field at Cornell Presbyterian Hospital in NYC treating substance abusers/mentally ill (dually diagnosed) population. She continued in this arena at Richmond University Hospital working with individuals with various addictions, domestic violence, relationship issues, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), etc.
She also expanded her vocational abilities working with young teenagers at Girls and Boys Town, which is in a non-secure detention; treating juvenile girls, while they awaited to either be sentenced or released home as per judge’s decision.
Furthermore, Kelly became a Certified Anger Management Specialist in 2013 and created a Solutions-Focused Anger Management program thereafter for mandated and non-mandated individuals seeking treatment for anger management.
In the last 16 years, Kelly Gorsky has been helping people in her private practice offering a Direct-Interactive Therapeutic approach in counseling and coaching to individuals, couples, and families.
TBE: Your book, Anger Management 101, emphasizes the importance of “controlled vulnerability” in managing anger and improving relationships. Can you share a personal experience where practicing controlled vulnerability transformed a difficult situation in your own life?
Kelly Gorsky: I utilize controlled vulnerability daily. The one experience that stands out the most is when I was in my late 20’s living single. I learned I can communicate my feelings of hurt and emptiness with my parents regarding their anger and ongoing arguments/hostility. Once I stated my emotions, I also informed them of my boundaries going forward. The boundaries were that I will not choose to partake in their arguments and that when they choose to argue, I will choose to leave. From that point on, I truly refrained from being around their arguments. This humongous step allowed me to begin my journey to healing and to liking myself.
TBE: The concept of “assertive communication” is central to your anger management approach. How did you develop this framework, and what challenges do people typically face when trying to shift from aggressive or passive communication styles?
Kelly Gorsky: I strongly believe that assertive communication is the key to a healthier and satisfying relationship with self and those around you, especially your loved ones. I learned that taking accountability for your own choices and decisions allows you to focus on yourself as opposed to others. Assertive communication always begins with “I” statements, since the blame then doesn’t shift unto anyone else. Recognizing how you play a part in every circumstance is key to awareness. The biggest challenge to refrain from being passive and/or aggressive in your communication is constantly being aware of your thinking, feelings and decisions. Awareness is not an easy tool to always practice, and blaming is so much easier.
I tried blaming and accusing and asking others to change. I have tried angry communication and as well as passive (where I would be quiet) and none of it worked. Also, I attended therapy and learned that I am the common denominator in my own life and thus its important for me to pivot.
TBE: In your chapter on manipulation and lying, you discuss how even honesty can sometimes be manipulative. This is quite a nuanced perspective. How did you come to this realization, and how do you advise people to navigate this complexity?
Kelly Gorsky: Manipulative honesty can be a form of Gaslighting. For example, if someone who is married and has a lover on the side can be “honest” about his/her marriage and yet emotionally verbalize how difficult it is for them to be in this dual relationship. The lover then offers compassion and becomes more engrossed in supporting the person who is married rather than focusing on deciding if being a lover is a good fit for them. Often, people see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear, as opposed to process what works best for them and thus get caught up in this type of honesty.
TBE: Your book includes specific advice for blended families, particularly regarding the role of stepparents. What inspired you to include this specialized information, and how has it been received by readers in blended family situations?
Kelly Gorsky: What inspired me to add this piece of information is because I noticed how common it was for my couples in therapy to express their ongoing frustration with each other and the stepchildren and constant disagreements with how to discipline children that are not even theirs to begin with to discipline.
In my private practice, I meet with many different types of families and frequently stepparents are either disliked or hated, but not always is the case. Disciplining your biological children only and being nice and thoughtful and non-disciplinarian to your stepchildren has been quite effective. Often, stepparents feel relief and begin to learn that it’s not their responsibility to discipline. Thus, friendship and trust are formed between a stepparent and a stepchild. Furthermore, the biological parent then feels less stress and pressure and could think through how they would like to discipline their own child without the extra guilt.
TBE: The “Anger Log” tool you suggest seems like a practical way for people to increase self-awareness. Can you walk us through how you’d like readers to use this tool, and perhaps share an anonymized example of how it’s helped one of your clients?
Kelly Gorsky: You are correct, an Anger Log is a tool to become more aware of your anger and actions, but also allows you to be more accountable for your decisions. An Anger Log is:
- Identifying a situation in which an individual felt angry
- Identify what triggered the frustration and why
- Identify intensity of frustration/anger on a scale from 0-10
- Identify if the feelings of anger have been filtered (taking the time to not to react but to think it through even a few seconds/even minutes perhaps)
- Describe how the anger-like situation was resolved and if not, why not?
- Identify if satisfied with the solution
Anger Log helps with not only identifying your aggression, but this also helps with pausing and thinking things through while at the same time figuring out how the situation was handled and whether it could have been resolved differently or even analyzing if it was resolved.
TBE: You present anger management as a skill that can be learned, rather than an innate trait. Was there a pivotal moment in your career or personal life that led you to this perspective?
Kelly Gorsky: As a woman, a wife, a therapist and a mom I utilize anger management skills daily. I do my best to be aware of my frustrations and stressors in all areas of my life since volatile anger and explosions have been part of my childhood history. I grew up having a very strong relationship with anger. In the last 25 years I have a strong relationship with my assertiveness skills and my internal filter to process feelings and information.
Yes, we are born with this primary emotion called anger. Anger is a healthy emotion that can be nurtured and taught to be exercised in a positive or negative manner, or often both.
TBE: In your section on children and parenting, you emphasize the importance of not using threats or physical violence. For parents who were raised with these methods, what’s the first step in breaking this cycle?
Kelly Gorsky: Ask yourself if someone hit you for a bad decision you made as an adult, would you be in pain? Would you learn a more meaningful route to your mistakes if someone hit you or threatened you?
Children are teachable through open communication, affection and love. They love structure and discipline, and they work really well with being offered 2 options to making a decision.
TBE: You mention that apologizing for aggressive behavior is often meaningless without a change in belief system. How do you guide people to make this fundamental shift in thinking?
Kelly Gorsky: I encourage and strongly recommend to self-reflect on how the aggressor sees themselves in their repeated aggressive pattern. Whether they respect and admire themselves and feel respected and cared for when they consistently show their aggression or misperceive fear as respect by their loved ones. Challenging the aggressor to process the intentions of what truly makes them enjoy being hurtful/abusive and feared is a very important factor to establishing the possibility of breaking that cycle.
TBE: The book concludes with a chapter on “Options and Alternatives.” If you could add one more crucial option or alternative to managing anger that didn’t make it into the book, what would it be and why?
Kelly Gorsky: I believe what I could add to this specific chapter would be taking the time out of your day and take inventory of your personal likes and dislikes. It is imperative to ask yourself, what did I like about myself and my decisions today or even at this moment. Simultaneously identifying some of the dislikes about yourself and the choices made today. Identifying these will enable the individual gain clarity into themselves and the actions they would prefer to take which ultimately provides another route to filtering options and alternatives.
What I find interesting and quite disappointing is that most people are quicker to find their flaws than their likes. Thus, they live within these flaws, they accept themselves with a negative frame of mind, which then enables them to continue with the same negative pattern of thought and behavior. This can all be changed if the individual is motivated and open to change and welcomes constructive feedback.
