I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki by Baek Se-hee

The Ongoing Journey of Self-Discovery and Healing

Life is messy, complicated, and often painfully mundane. We wake up, we go about our days, we struggle, we find moments of joy, and then we do it all over again. For those battling mental health issues, this cycle can feel especially grueling. In her poignant follow-up memoir, Baek Se-hee continues to lay bare her innermost thoughts and feelings as she navigates the ups and downs of living with dysthymia and anxiety.

“I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki: Further Conversations with My Psychiatrist” picks up where Baek’s bestselling debut left off, offering readers an intimate look at her ongoing therapy sessions and personal reflections. Through raw, honest dialogue and introspection, Baek grapples with questions of self-worth, identity, and what it means to truly heal.

A Familiar Voice, Deeper Insights

For readers of Baek’s first book, her voice will feel comfortingly familiar—self-deprecating, introspective, and often darkly humorous. She has a knack for articulating complex emotions in relatable ways, like when she describes her fluctuating moods: “Just because it’s a good day, that doesn’t mean I feel like it’s great to be alive.”

But there’s also a sense that Baek has grown since we last heard from her. Her insights feel sharper, her self-awareness more developed. She’s still struggling, but she’s also learning to recognize her progress and give herself credit for small victories.

The Ongoing Nature of Mental Health

One of the most powerful aspects of this book is how it portrays mental health recovery as an ongoing process rather than a clear-cut journey from “sick” to “cured.” Baek is candid about her setbacks and moments of despair, but she’s also able to recognize her growth:

“I used to have moments where I thought, ‘I really like myself today’, but now I find myself thinking, ‘I don’t think I like myself today.’ Which means, I now normally like myself, and the times I don’t like myself are the exception! I think this is progress.”

This nuanced portrayal feels refreshingly honest in a world that often expects neat, tidy narratives of overcoming adversity.

Exploring Universal Themes

While the book is deeply personal, Baek touches on themes that will resonate with many readers:

1. The desire for external validation

Baek grapples with her need for approval from others, reflecting on how this impacts her self-esteem and relationships.

2. Body image and societal pressures

She candidly discusses her struggles with weight and appearance, questioning the cultural forces that shape our perceptions of beauty.

3. The search for meaning and purpose

Throughout the book, Baek wrestles with feelings of emptiness and the desire to find passion and direction in life.

4. The complexities of human relationships

From family dynamics to friendships to romantic partnerships, Baek explores the joys and challenges of connecting with others.

A Window into the Therapeutic Process

One of the most fascinating aspects of “I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki” is how it provides insight into the therapeutic process itself. Through transcripts of Baek’s sessions with her psychiatrist, readers get a fly-on-the-wall view of how therapy actually works. We see the gentle probing, the moments of breakthrough, and even the occasional frustrations.

This demystification of therapy feels important, especially in cultures where mental health treatment still carries stigma. Baek’s openness about her experiences may encourage others to seek help when they need it.

Growth and Self-Acceptance

While Baek doesn’t pretend to have all the answers, there’s a clear arc of growth throughout the book. She learns to be kinder to herself, to challenge her negative thought patterns, and to find value in her own unique perspective on the world.

One particularly touching moment comes when Baek realizes she no longer hates herself:

“The biggest gain from my treatment and publishing my book has been the fact that I no longer hate myself. I continue to accept the little bits and fragments of myself that my eyes and mind perceive and try to stop the horrible things that I would once say to myself.”

This hard-won self-acceptance feels like a genuine triumph, even as Baek acknowledges that her journey is far from over.

A Unique Literary Voice

Baek’s writing style is distinctive and engaging. She has a gift for vivid metaphors that bring her inner world to life. When describing her tendency to spiral into negative thoughts, she writes: “I don’t want to rush up the stairs only to tire myself out in the middle and roll back down to the bottom.”

Her prose can be lyrical and introspective one moment, then bracingly direct the next. This creates a reading experience that feels authentic to the unpredictable nature of our thoughts and emotions.

Cultural Context and Universal Appeal

While the book is deeply rooted in Baek’s experiences as a young Korean woman, the themes she explores are universal. That said, readers unfamiliar with Korean culture may find some interesting insights into societal pressures and expectations specific to that context.

Translator Anton Hur deserves credit for capturing the nuances of Baek’s voice in English, preserving both her vulnerability and her wry sense of humor.

Not Just Another Self-Help Book

It’s important to note that “I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki” is not a traditional self-help book. Baek doesn’t offer easy solutions or step-by-step guides to happiness. Instead, she provides something arguably more valuable: companionship on the often-lonely journey of self-discovery and healing.

By sharing her story with such unflinching honesty, Baek creates a sense of connection. Readers struggling with similar issues may find comfort in knowing they’re not alone, while those who haven’t experienced depression or anxiety firsthand can gain a deeper understanding of what it’s like to live with these conditions.

A Worthy Sequel

For fans of Baek’s first book, this sequel delivers everything they loved about the original while offering new depths of insight. For new readers, it stands on its own as a powerful exploration of mental health and the human experience.

While the subject matter can be heavy at times, Baek’s warmth and occasional flashes of humor keep the book from feeling oppressive. There’s a underlying current of hope throughout—not the saccharine kind that promises easy fixes, but a more grounded hope that comes from facing our struggles head-on and choosing to keep going anyway.

Final Thoughts

“I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki: Further Conversations with My Psychiatrist” is a beautifully written, deeply moving memoir that tackles difficult subjects with grace and authenticity. Baek Se-hee’s willingness to share her vulnerabilities creates a powerful reading experience that’s likely to stay with you long after you’ve turned the final page.

This book is recommended for:

• Anyone struggling with mental health issues who wants to feel less alone
• Readers interested in personal growth and self-reflection
• Those curious about the therapeutic process
• Anyone who appreciates raw, honest storytelling

Baek Se-hee’s voice is an important one in the ongoing conversation about mental health. By sharing her story, she not only helps herself but also contributes to breaking down the stigma surrounding these issues. As she writes in the afterword:

“I hope for the day when those who are unwell in the heart can get medical help as a matter of course and not be stigmatised for it or have their problems reduced by the people around them to evidence of weak will. When the wounds of the mind and soul shall carry the same weight of seriousness as the wounds of the body.”

With this book, Baek takes another step towards making that hope a reality.